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Don't Look for Your Soul Mate
by Rinatta Paries
I hear it over and over again; "We were
so compatible...we fell in love at first sight...we committed to each
other right way...we had so much in common...it is as if we have known
each other all of our lives...etc." Yet the relationship fell
apart, my soul mate's behavior radically changed. What happened?
What happens when you look for a soul mate?
You look for someone with whom you can feel at home, right away. You
look for someone who will understand you and give you what you want
and need, right away. You look for an extraordinary sense of
recognition, connection and attraction.
Instead, what you find is someone who is
willing to melt with you, to let go of boundaries that define the
self. You find someone who is willing for a time to be for you
whomever and whatever you want. And you melt with him or her, let go
of your own boundaries, become for him or her what is wanted or
needed. Then the two of you feel like soul mates. But this can only go
on for a time, and often a short time -- about 6 weeks to 3 months,
sometimes even less.
Eventually, both of you regain a sense of
self, a sense of personal boundaries, needs and wants, distinctly
different from one another. Your "soul mate" may not meet
your needs and give you attention as readily as he or she once did.
You realize you may not be as compatible as you thought you were. You
find out things about each other you cannot accept. One or both people
pull away, often without communicating to the other the true reasons
for the distance. Eventually the relationship ends.
If you want to avoid having this kind of
experience altogether, look for a person who has the capacity to
become you partner and best friend, to whom you are attracted. The key
words here being "partner" and "best friend" and
"attracted." As in someone you can partner with to build a
life, someone who will support, encourage and cheer you on, to whom
you are attracted. All three of these qualities must be present for
you to have the kind of relationship you dream of.
Then, once you find him or her, follow five
suggestions below to build a relationship:
- Don't melt into the other person, but instead be
strongly yourself.
The more you are yourself, the stronger your bond with the other
person has a chance of becoming. That is if each of you -- being
yourselves -- enjoys being with the other.
- Don't try to be nice and don't give just to be loved or
liked. Just be.
In a long-term relationship, one that hopefully will last for the
rest of your life, you want to just be and have that be enough,
have that be appreciated. So just be in the beginning -- it will
either be good enough, maybe even extraordinary, or not.
- Don't rely on each other too much.
Don't need each other to fix life, emotional or financial
problems. Emotions and loyalties get confused when new partners
try to save each other. Keep the relationship clean and be
together because you want to, not because you need to.
Slow way down.
- Take the relationship very slow.
Savor each
milestone: the first time you hold hands, the first kiss, the
first afternoon spent together. Don't rush in search of the holy
grail of "relationships." If you end up together, these
"firsts" will only happen once. If you don't end up
together, you are more likely to end the relationship sooner and
more cleanly if you have not rushed in headfirst.
- Build a friendship.
Building a good friendship takes time, effort, risk,
communication, compassion, honesty. Do it - it is this friendship
that will serve as a foundation of your relationship.
Now doesn't this sound better than the cycle
of finding love and then losing it again?
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know
how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling
relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs?
Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and
techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships.
Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where
you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a
"true love magnet(tm)!
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