Advice from America's # 1 Love Expert

Dr. Ellen Kreidman PhD

Advice for women:

I don't feel sexy anymore

Dear Dr. Ellen: After 3 kids, I've put on a lot of weight so I don't feel sexy anymore. My husband is still attracted to me but I am embarrassed to undress in front of him or wear sexy outfits like I used to. He keeps telling me that he loves me and it doesn't matter to him. It matters to me! I love my husband and I don't want to lose him to some other woman but I can't change how I feel. Please tell me what to do. – Sarah

Dear Sarah: First, I want to tell you how lucky you are to have a man who loves you and finds you sexy just the way you are. Now you have to learn how to love him the way he deserves to be loved. I want you to pretend that you are the sexiest woman alive. I want you to put on an act that is worthy of an academy award. What you are going to find out is that what starts out as pretense will become real. We always think that we have to feel a certain way before we can act a certain way. Well, I say that you can create love every day by acting in a loving way and not worrying whether you feel loving. It's the same with feeling sexy. If you wait until you feel sexy, before you do sexy things, your husband will be old and gray. I don't care if you don't feel sexy, go out and buy a sexy outfit, the way you used to. I don't care that you don't feel sexy, run a nice bubble bath for the two of you, soak in the tub, and tell him how much he means to you. I don't care that you don't feel sexy, put on some soft music and slow dance together. In other words, act sexy and you'll feel sexy after... you don't have to feel it first. They interviewed Cary Grant once and asked, “How did you become this sexy, debonair man that every woman wants?” He said, “You want to know the truth... when I was a gawky, awkward teenager, I used to pretend that I was a ladies man, and I don't know when my pretend self became my real self.” So as the saying goes, “Act the part and you shall become the part." – Dr. Ellen

Advice for men:
We argue over my looking at other women

Dear Dr. Ellen: I've only been married for a year and we keep arguing over the same thing. My wife gets really upset when I look at nude women in magazines or look at other women when we are out together. I think you'll agree that most men like doing both those things and there is nothing wrong with it. How can I convince my wife that I'm just a normal red-blooded male and she shouldn't get upset? - David

Dear David: You're right; most men do enjoy looking at beautiful women and get pleasure out of seeing nude women in magazines. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, there is more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Your wife has told you how unhappy your behavior makes her feel and you want me to help you convince her that her feelings are wrong. I can't do that. The truth is that if you continue this behavior, your wife will turn into an angry, cold and bitter woman.

A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to “party" till 4:00 A.M. but if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at nude women and flirting with strangers hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulse and don't do it! By the way, there's no one that can stop you from looking at other women when she's not with you, but out of love and respect for your wife and marriage, you should learn to concentrate on her when you are together. In Light Her Fire, tape #2 called, “Understanding women,” will give you a great deal of insight as to what a woman needs for her to feel truly loved. – Dr. Ellen

For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen Kreidman Ph.D. has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com